House Pranks
by cookiemonstermayhem
Summary: We all know that Dr. Gregory House loves pranks. But what happens when he gets the chance to make the ultimate pranks... against everybody?
1. Idiot Doctors

**Author's Note: Hi everybody! This is my first fanfiction story, so don't expect it to be very good! :P**

**Anyways, if you have any ideas on how to improve the story, or my writing in general, let me know. If you just want to leave hateful comments, don't you have anything better to do with your life? Story will start picking up in Chapter 3. Chapter 1 and 2 are short and probs not that good (I'm horrible with beginnings!), but I hope you enjoy anyways!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from House.**

**Chapter One: Idiot Doctors**

"Ugh," I groaned. It was just another day... of pain- leg pain to be specific.

_ Maybe I can just call in sick. _No such luck. My cell phone started to ring and it's my best friend... well, only friend... James Wilson

"What do _you_ want?"

"Good morning to you too, House. You do realize that your team has been waiting for you for over an hour trying to figure out this case."

"Idiot doctors. They should be able to figure it out on their own."

"House, just come to work."

"And if I don't?"

"Do you want Cuddy to fire you?"

"I'm too awesome at my job to get fired."

"Just come to the hospital." Click: line's dead. Stupid Wilson, now I have to go to work with my aching leg and see my boss that I like.

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"Cameron! Where's my coffee?"

"Well, your coffee's cold because you're late, and our patient is about to die!" she yelled.

"Lemme see the file," I said. Did I really hire these doctors? The puzzle is so simple that it shouldn't even be considered a puzzle. I erased the whiteboard and wrote three letters: STD.

"No way," Foreman started, "Patient said he was always careful in public restrooms and haven't had sex in years and-"

"Everybody lies," I chimed in.

"Well shouldn't we test for it?" Chase asked. Idiot.

"No, Australian monkey. Tests take time. Treatment's quicker."

"House, you're wrong," Cameron argued.

"Awww, you think every person has good morals. Hey! Let's play a game! If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right. Now shoo," I said while gesturing towards the door. They quickly went away refusing to make any more arguments they know they'll lose.

So I went to my office and started to play with my red ball while planning my next prank. On who? No idea, but why should that matter? Then Wilson stormed in looking like he was going to explode with anger.

"Really House? Really? You barely looked at that file and you gave Mr. Bennett the treatment for HIV?"

"But I was right wasn't I?"

"It's all about the puzzle with you isn't it?"

"Wilson, treating illnesses is why we became doctors, treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable."

"No, treating illnesses is why _you_ became a doctor."

"So? I solved the case. My work here is done."

"I'm done trying with you."

"What? But I was just beginning to have fun!" I whine.

"Have your fun, just keep me out of it," he replied.

"No promises!" He leaves the room quickly while I smile evilly. I know exactly whom I'm going to play my prank on... Everybody.


	2. Overrated

** Author's Note: So this is the second chapter, don't worry, it's going to pick up next chapter! Constructive criticism is awesome. Hate: Haters gonna hate, but I don't need to change my story for you.**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own House. :(**

**Chapter 2: Overrated**

"Cuddy, I need 3,000 dollars to buy a rare treatment for my patient."

Without looking up from her desk, she replied, "No."

"What? But Mr. Benji? Is it Benji? Anyways, he needs it."

"Mr. Bennett, and he's already been treated for HIV and released from the hospital," she said while getting up from her chair. _Wow, she looks beautiful. Snap out of it! Get your 3,000 dollars!_

"Oh. Well, I need 3,000 dollars for the next patient I'm going to have because they'll need a rare treatment for whatever disease they have."

"Nice try House, but if you really need 3,000 dollars, go to somebody else."

"Fine." I left the office without looking back. I guess I'm going to borrow money from Wilson again. But whatever right?

I went in his office without knocking, ignoring the sign that said, "With patient, please knock if extremely important," and sat down right next to his patient.

"House! It's one thing to come in here, it's another to come in here while I'm with a patient."

"Well, you were sad which means she is going to die. Have fun living the rest of your life in the hospital... but my regards."

She gasped then started sobbing. I can't believe that she actually wanted to live in this world."

"House, you're a jerk. How could you just plainly tell somebody they're dying without caring?"

"Humanity is overrated."

"Just get out. Get out."

"Well, I came with a purpose you know. I need 3,000 dollars."

"Take whatever you want, but just get out. You made a hard moment even worse," Wilson said while opening the door.

_This is going to be great. He doesn't even realize that he started prank number one... against himself!_


	3. Bulls Eye

**Author's Note: Thanks to everybody who has read this far! Like I said the story is picking up now! Thanks to k for my two reviews! The plot starts here, I wanted to post this chapter yesterday, but I was on vacation and wasn't able to write it. So this is where the story starts to happen. So please leave a review, love constructive criticism, no hate. If you have any prank ideas for the story, please send me a message, I would love to here it. Personally, I think this is the best chapter so far, so I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own House, but I own this story!**

**Chapter 3: Bulls Eye**

"Hey Foreman!" I said while he looked up, "You get to come with me to the store while Chase and Cameron checks out the patient's home."

"What!?" Chase and Cameron said simultaneously. "That's so unfair," Chase began.

"Whatever. Let's go Foreman."

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"What are you doing with all of those?"

"Well, what's the fun in telling you that?"

"You dragged me all the way over here to buy all of those and not tell me why?!"

"Calm down. Here, I'm secretly having a party and didn't invite you! Wait, that means I should have brought Cameron. Oops!" I said sarcastically.

"Let's just get out of here."

"1,000 dollars sir," the clerk said astounded.

"Rip off, but worth it! Here ya go." I handed him the money, took my bags, and left the store with Foreman still on my tail.

"1,000 dollars, House! What possibly could be so important to buy 1,000 dollars worth of-"

"Like I said, there's no fun if I told you."

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_Wilson's coming... Hide!_

I was near Wilson's office waiting for the fury to unleash. This is gonna be good.

Wilson came around the hallway, not noticing my disguise... well, I was only wearing a lab coat, but he didn't notice me. Anyways, he started to open his door and...

Three.

Two.

One.

"What the hell? House!"

As I was trying to sneak away, Wilson finally recognized me with my coat and took my cane away causing me to fall.

"Wilson, my leg!"

"House, my office! Why the hell would you put who knows how many cups with coffee in there!"

"Why do you assume it's me?"

"When is it not you?"

"Fair enough."

"Besides, the only white cups in my office spell out "G.H.", and maybe, just maybe, that stands for Gregory House."

"Of course, you can't expect anything less from me Wilson."

"House, I can't get into my office because there are full cups everywhere, and I need a file for my next patient!"

"Oh boohoo. Why don't you figure it out?"

"Yeah, maybe I will." Wilson grabbed two red plastic cups of coffee from his floor and threw them at me.

"Well, it's a good thing I don't ever use this coat..."

"You're gonna get it!"

"We'll see," I said as I left the office. Today was a good day. Time for prank number two.

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Ping, ping, ping!

"Bulls eye!"

Foreman looked pissed off, Cameron gave me the "Are you insane?" look, and Chase was trying to stifle his laughter.

"You do realize the paintball hurts-" Cameron started.

"Especially if it came 70 miles per hour from a robot!" Foreman finished. He looked like he was going to kill me. Maybe I should have saved this one for later, but oh well!

"But you have to admit, it was a very funny prank," Chase said in between girlish giggles.

"Chase stay out of it. And it's not a prank, its just House being a jerk!"

"Maybe I should have got black paint instead of rainbow. It would have matched your sense of humor."

"That's it! I'm going to Cuddy!" Foreman announced.

"Ooh! Sounds fun! I wanna come!" I yelled.

"Be my guest," Foreman replied while rolling his eyes.

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"You can't be serious. House, don't even tell me where you got this idea... and this robot."

"I wasn't going to," I replied to Cuddy.

"Now first off, Foreman, you can have the day off. Secondly, House, you and I need to have a talk about breaking rules."

"House doesn't break the rules! He ignores them!" Foreman said angrily.

"True, but we still need to have a talk." Both Cuddy and Foreman are glaring at me. Oh great. Foreman exits the room as quickly as possible. Probably afraid I'm going to mess with him again.

"House! It's one thing to put cups of coffee everywhere in Wilson's office-"

"You know about that?"

"Everybody knows about that! Anyways, it's another thing to bring a robot that shoots paintballs into your office to mess with Foreman. I should fire you!"

"But you won't because I'm too awesome at my job."

"Just stop playing pranks."

"No."

"No?"

"Unless..."

"Oh this better be good," Cuddy said while rolling her eyes.

"You must go on one date with me."

"Ahahaha! You sound like Cameron!" She looks at me for a few seconds and says, "Oh you're not joking are you?"

"Does it look like I'm joking to you?" I say interested.

"No, but I got news for you: I'm not going out with you."

"Fine, I'll just continue my pranks."

"Bye House."

_Oh I'm going to get Lisa Cuddy to go out with me if it's the last prank I do._

**Author's Note: So, I didn't think this would be my plot but it is! So Huddy lovers, here is another Huddy story! :D Huddy haters... you can just go away (sorry, love y'all though!)**


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